Welcome to this guide to your New Human

I''ll start with a disclaimer: it''s not a guide. If you choose to follow some of the things that I have done, then it''s on you, pal. Written as I awaited the birth of my second child, this book is a collection of stories about my experiences, as a man, in the creation and maintenance of a New Human. And given that she is awesome, I felt it only fair that I should share my wisdom with you, so that you too can have the best human possible.

So whether you are a long-time parent, a new parent, a surprised parent, avoiding being a parent or just thinking about becoming a parent, I wish you all the best in your contribution to the continuation of the species.

Three things every man should know before embarking on dadhood

When your partner is pregnant, never confuse ''big'' with ''fat''. Use the pregnant wife card to your advantage. Sometimes I wished people would call me into a meeting just so I could say, ''Sorry . . . pregnant wife. Must go.'' No questions asked.

Once you have created a New Human you will need to schedule time together with your Old Human. (Never call her this out loud.)