Life doesn’t come with an instruction manual. But if it did, and if that manual was cobbled together in five minutes by a drunken idiot-genius, then it might look something like these crowd-sourced tips and ill-thought-out ideas. Covering everything from how best to turn your cat into a fearsome stegosaurus to pre-empting jellyfish stings, this book presents the wealth of knowledge gleaned from the dusty vaults of twitter’s hugely popular @TwopTwips.

From the profane to the ridiculous, these laugh-at-loud nuggets of advice, with absurd and informative illustrations, will change your life in a hugely insignificant way.

Tips include:

BORED of a friend''s text messages? Reply with ''unsubscribe'' and they''ll get the hint.

SPICE up a boring salad by replacing the vegetables with bacon and placing between two slices of bread.

STOP your dog from pulling on its lead by walking a bit faster.

PREPARE your children for office life by acting awkwardly around them in the kitchen.

AVOID the hassle and expense of hair straighteners by not eating your crusts.