''You know that moment between sleep and waking? I read somewhere that the first thing that comes into your head is what you desire or fear the most. I don't know if that's fully right though because for years when I opened my eyes I used to think of Mark.''

I'm JP Whelan and I said that my shrink. He's always trying to get me to talk about what happened all those years ago, when we were just kids.

Here's where I'm supposed to tell you about all that, about my life with Katie and Abbey in London or before then, back in Dublin, with Dad, listening to the Beatles and how those were the only times I really felt safe.

But then I'd have to tell you about Dessie and what happened with Mark.

But, it doesn't all fit into some neat little box, my story. I wish it did. So if you really want to know the truth, you're going to have to find out for yourself, because even now I'm not sure what the truth is.