Within the throngs of Alzheimers disease

Ups and downs, brief moments of clarity. One is almost hopeful that the old you has returned for good, then, just as quickly a reality check. Its only a brief moment of clarity. I miss you mama, even though you are here with me. Ive had moments of grief forever grieving little losses every day. I try desperately to hold on to as much of you as I can, trying not to be selfish. I try desperately not to let it be mother and daughter. Wondering if this is déjà vu. I can sometimes see Jessica helping escort me to the chair; covering me with the lap blanket and sweater and bringing me my afternoon meal. It’s as if all that time has passed and I can't remember anything in between. Then flash back to reality when you are clinging to me for dear life, your nails in my arms and begging Jesus to save you, as we go from the bed to the wheelchair. Once safe in the wheelchair everything is ok and back we go to normal again. We’ve all been through some sort of loss but this loss is especially cruel, to live while dying.